Again with the rocks? We’ve been over this before! If you keep this up, I’m going to have to stop bringing you to the beach. I know you think you’re a big boy who can just jump and climb aroundwherever you want, but you’re just a puppy! And so, you end up getting yourself into all these precarious positions.
What? Oh now you’re sad because I said you’re not a big boy. Don’t give me that look. Don’t do it. Put those puppy dog eyes away. Marty McBeagle, I just can’t win with you. I do everything I can to make you happy, and part of that is making sure you’re always safe. If you jumped off that rock and hurt yourself, think about how sad you’d be then. Maybe you’d break a paw and have to wear a cast, and then we’d have to go to the vet (you hate the vet!) and they’d stick one of those giant embarrassing plastic cones on your head and all the other puppies would laugh at you. You don’t want that, right? Well neither do I, and that’s why I’m being so strict - it’s all because I love you.
Stay right there, I’ll get you off that rock in just a minute. We’re going home.
Marty McBeagle! I made you a collage from our stop at the lighthouse!
Let me attempt to describe your thoughts in each of these photos. Left to right, one row at a time.
Ah, we always have so much fun at that lighthouse!
Wow Marty McBeagle! They weren’t kidding about that view! Isn’t it just beautiful up here! Hey. Are you paying attention to me? Marty McBeagle?
Oh! I see! You’ve spotted a fish! Are you gonna jump in and grab it? I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea; I’ve never seen you swim before, and I’m almost certain the fish is a better swimmer than you are. Maybe we can come back another day and I’ll bring a fishing pole and then we’ll have better luck, and it’ll be saferfo—-Huh? What’s that?
Oh. You want me to stop talking because I’m scaring the fish away. Well sorry, Mr. Marty McAngler. I’ll go away and leave you alone. Sheesh! That’s the first time anyone has ever told me I’m too loud. It’s quite ironic coming from you, Mr. Marty McHowler.
There we go! That’s the Marty McBeagle I know and love!
Your attempts at flight are so adorable. You’ve got to get those ears flapping, then you just might find liftoff! What? No, the leash isn’t holding you back, don’t be ridiculous!
Alright. Let me know when you’ve got yourself well tired-out. I’ll be over here relaxing in the sand, then we can head over to the lighthouse and check out the view. I hear when the tide is in you can actually see fish swimming around the rocks. Maybe you can catch one!
So, Marty McBeagle.
You spend one night in the big house and you come back sporting a Crips bandanna? And apparently you hadn’t cranked the bass high enough on that gangsta rap so you just stuck your little beaglebutt right up against the speaker.
I just don’t know what to do with you anymore. We need to pull you out of this downward spiral and get you back on a righteous path.
To the beach, we shall go!
Oh Marty McBeagle. I warned against you going to two tweetups in one weekend, and would you look at that? I was right. Again. You’ve gone and got yourself thrown in the big house. How did this happen? What? No way. Don’t blame this on @tj. You’re always trying to blame the pigeons. This one is all on you.
Look at those bars. Those are thick stainless steel bars. You can’t claw or chew your way out of there. You’re lucky I love you enough to come bail you out, because really, I’d venture a guess that you probably deserve to be there right now. Just sit there and be good while I make the drive to Boston.
PS: Don’t chew on those bones - who knows where they’ve been?
Look at you now Marty McBeagle!
You took my advice and fell behind the couch where you proceeded to eat all of those old treats that had been sitting back there for weeks and as a result you’ve got yourself a little puppy tummy ache! Then I went and gave you a bath because you were so dusty, even after I said I wouldn’t give you a bath when you came home from the bacon factory. I’m sorry buddy, but you were pretty filthy! Now look at you, you’re clean and soft and once again snugglable!
It’s gonna be alright. It’s Monday: the start of a new week. Let’s have fun this week, OK Marty McBeagle? I’m gonna do all I can to make sure you and I have a great week, and doggonit! I’m gonna make you smile one of these days!
You’re looking pretty exhausted there, Marty McBeagle. It’s been a long, stressful weekend for the both of us and then what do you go an do? You get yourself wedged between the couch and the counter top, and now you’re stuck and you don’t even have enough energy to pull yourself out so you’re just laying there, using the last of your strength to hold yourself up so you don’t fall down into the dark chasm that is the space behind the couch.
However, you’re not thinking this through. I know what lives behind that couch, because I’m the one who cleans back there. I know that in that dark space lies dozens of the half-eaten treats and bones that you accidentally drop back there when you climb up onto the back of the couch. Remember? Yeah, it happens almost daily. You get up on the back cushions and then you clumsily drop half a biscuit back there and then you look at me with those big, brown, pouty eyes and say “Oh no! I dropped my biscuit!” and then you try to reach down behind the couch to grab it, but you can’t because you’re just a little puppy and your legs aren’t really that long. So, then you hop off the couch and try to walk around behind it, but the couch was built in such a way that you just can’t go under it or get behind it; so the remnants of your treats just stay back there until I get around to moving the couch and vacuuming back there.
So, Marty McBeagle, why don’t you just let yourself drop on down there. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the treasures that reside in the space you’re so desperately trying to avoid. I’ve seen where the doggie rainbow ends, and it’s behind that couch; if you’d just let yourself go, you’ find yourself a pot-o-gold that’s better than anything in your wildest dreams!
Yay! Marty McBeagle! You’re home! Oh… oh no… you don’t look pleased. You’re giving me that look… that “I’m gonna pee all over your pillow” look…
Listen: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, a million times I’m sorry! I honestly thought you’d have a great time at the bacon factory, and clearly I had miscalculated things.
How can I make it up to you? Want to go to PetSmart and walk around? I’ll put you up on the bulk treats table and let you pick out your favorites! We can go to the dog park and I’ll let you run around and play with all the dogs, even the big ones that I’m a little scared of! And you can roll around in the dirt and get all filthy and I won’t even give you a bath, just so long as you’re happy and you forgive me!
C’mon, please tell me you’ll forgive me!
Dear Marty McBeagle,
I received the email you sent me from the bacon factory and the attached picture makes me feel so sad! To see you moping around on their hard, cold, concrete floor, it just breaks my heart. At least they were nice enough to give you a towel to sit on so your lil butt wouldn’t turn to ice, otherwise you’d be making poopsicles!
What? Not even a chuckle for that? :-( Aw shucks.
I’ve called the factory and told them to ship you back to me post-haste. I truly regret sending you there. I thought you’d have so much fun with all the pigs and the endless supply of delicious bacon, but clearly I was wrong. I never even considered the horrible things you might be witness to, and for that I am eternally sorry. I’m missing you dearly and I can’t wait to get you back here at home where we can play fetch and then snuggle up on the couch to watch some Animal Planet.
We’ll be back together soon Marty McBeagle.
Good morning Marty McBeagle! I know, I know; you’re confused about why I put you in that box in front of the worlds largest piece of bacon. Don’t worry everything is fine. I’m just sending you off to the bacon factory!
No! Oh no! Don’t cry! I’m not sending you there to be made into beagle-bacon! No no no! I’m sending you there so you can run around the factory and eat fresh bacon all day! You might even get to meet some pigs! It’s gonna be so great; you’re gonna have so much fun! Have a safe trip and know that I’ll be missing you dearly while you’re gone. I love you Marty McBeagle!
Marty McBeagle! What do you want now?!?! I just gave you a nice warm bath and shampooed all of the sand out of your hair and from between your toes and your big floppy ears, and then I towel dried you even after you shook yourself off and covered me in bath water! Oh Marty McBeagle, what am I ever gonna do with you? Come here and snuggle me, you silly little puppy!
Marty McBeagle!!! I was so kind to help you off that rock just one hour ago, I turn my back for 5 minutes and now look at the mess you’ve made! You’ve got sand stuck all over your cute little nose and I can only assume the rest of you is just as filthy! It’s a good thing you’re so damn adorable and cuddly! I’ll be right over to help you out of that massive hole you’ve dug. I must say, I’m quite impressed!
Marty McBeagle! What are you doing up on that rock? You’re not supposed to be up there; you’re just a puppy! I warned you not to climb up there because then you’d get to the top and get scared and be afraid to jump off because you don’t want to get your frumpy little paws all wet with sea water, but did you listen? Noooooooo. And now look at you, sitting up there looking sad and scared and adorable.
OK fine. Just stay right where you are. I’m coming to pick you up. It’s OK. Don’t worry. I still love you.